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The problems get worse before they get better.

25 Sep

Most people who have went through a divorce in the distant past would probably agree with the title of this writing. When couples are facing the tough decision of reconciliation or divorce court, the problems that brought them to that place in their relationship often times didn’t happen over night. They are usually the culmination of years of fighting over any number of issues; fidelity, money, parenting, work, friends, attitudes, etc.  What many people do not realize is that divorce is the first step to an even more stressful relationship with an ex-partner, family, family in-law, and their children. Sadly, many do not think through every aspect of the divorce before heading in its direction. Many do not weigh all the consequences that will come with the big “D”. Now instead of arguing about income; you argue over two incomes, instead of arguing over parenting; you argue over what your child(ren) was allowed to do when in the care of the other. And the fighting goes on, and on, and on. Whatever their decision, couples need to know that treading into the direction of divorce should not be taken lightly. In the bible, Jesus gave only one legitimate reason for divorce, infidelity; anything lesser than that should and could be reconciled.

With that being said, there are some who have been reminded on what seems to be a daily basis by their wives or husbands, “If you leave me, you’ll lose everything; kids, house, cars and when I say everything, I mean everything!” I myself, hail from this particular group of people. When my ex-wife explained to me that if I ever left her that she would take everything from me including the kids and the house, she used to solidify her statements by adding a little caveat by saying “And if I cant do it, my Mom will see to it happening!” Maybe you’ve heard those very same words. In my case this is actually the only vow my ex-wife ever kept.

Luckily, life does not end “post children”. Every day is a challenge, but I have made it, and in most cases prospered. With the support of my soul mate, my new wife Cynthia, I have since my divorce, gained my self-respect back, went to school and received my GED, I even completed and passed a couple of college courses. Also I went to school and received a State of Ohio license to sell Life, Health, and Annuity insurance. We have a ton of fun raising and playing with our three labrador puppies. Our life is really good.

 I can remember feeling like my ex-wife was extorting me to stay in a destructive relationship by holding me hostage with my great love for our children. In the end, If you are not respected, not loved, treated poorly, or just plain discounted as a second class citizen in your relationship, no amount of extortion will keep you in it. It may keep you for a season, but soon that season will be over, and so will the relationship. Most will say, “stick it out for the children’s sake.” often times this only teaches children to stay in the same destructive relationships when they grow up and are dating or married. This just perpetuates the hurtful vicious cycle in the next generation.

No one can make these hard decisions for you. But if you’re visiting this blog; take this advice, get plenty of input and counselling before you make any decision. Also read the first psalm in the Bible, and follow it strictly, get good solid Godly advice in your situation. Find good moral things to do to fill your time with, help a neighbor, volunteer, bless others with your talents.

Don’t perpetuate damaging behavior because you feel it’s just “best” for all involved.

Robert E Stage  Jr

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