NEWSWEEK : We Are All Cannibals Now

02 Jun


From the Daily Caller:

Since it is a man eat man world out there, the folks at the Daily Caller are recommending a new, fresh and tasty cover theme to Newsweek “We Are All Cannibals Now”. And why shouldn’t they? I mean with all the people turning up dead and eaten, and all the other people turning up with mouthfuls of Jolla bad, and Tati wati, and Kali Kia liki Lou, Walla walla Bing bom (make up what ever name you want, as long as it sounds Kenyan…). And you know the question on the end of everyone’s tongue in this election year? Are the cannibals Democrat, or Republican?

Why have the cannibals continued a war on women? I mean, their only eating men out there! Why the discrimination!? There has to be women out there worth chewing on also, there seems to be such a double standard in the cannibal community out there in the burgs’ and cities. And don’t even go there, they were obviously breast fed.

Are they eating men out of desperation, or just ’cause they’re board, because they have no job? The last thing you want on your hands is a board cannibal, really their teeth will hurt your fingers and thumbs.

I wonder if they were laid off because of Bain Capital,  or the Obama economy?  I think there is many different questions that need answered on this issue, I mean, I wonder where they stand on contraceptives, should the government pay for them, or should individual cannibals be responsible for them? Or are they against them altogether? I mean, if a baby is not born, that’s one less person to eat when they grow up.

What about where they stand on legalizing marijuana?  For, or against? I kinda hope the cannibals would be against legalizing marijuana, I mean have you thought of the dire consequences of a cannibal with a bad case of the munchies? No, I don’t think you have.

What about illegal immigration?  Where do you think the cannibals would stand on this issue? I tend to lean towards them being for it. After all, the more people, the more food! I think they probably like a little diversity in their menu, I mean I can only eat chicken so many times before I get board of it, it must be the same for cannibals, you can only baste walla walla bing bon’s arm in A1 sauce so many times, until it would just drive you over the edge.

What is the etiquette if you and your cannibal friend are out for a night on the town and you want to grab a bite to eat? Are you responsible for finding a suitable meal, and clubbing him to death for a warm feast, or does that duty befall on your cannibal friend?

Maybe the cannibals could apply for government jobs, after all the government already has a monopoly on blood suckers, why not get some meat eaters aboard also.

Not only that, if we had more cannibals around we could slow global warming and save the animals, which would make environmentalist’s and P.E.T.A. happy.

And where do the cannibals stand on same-sex marriage? They may be against that, seeing as how they’ve only been eating men. That would be a huge hazard for one of the male partners, at some point.

After much thought, I believe the cannibals are Democrats and will probably vote for Obama. They probably see him as their Kenyon brother that eats dogs.

Disclaimer: No cannibals or their food was harmed in the writing of this article.  Any similarities in this story and the cannibals that you know, is merely a coincidence. And no, I don’t believe the cannibals are sexist. That was for pure entertainment value. This article is purely satire, and not to be reblogged as actual journalistic “news”. The writer is not and cannot be held responsible if you are attacked by said cannibals. All rights reserved, represented by the Law firm of Dewey, Cheatum, and How.

Robert E. Stage Jr.
The Patriot

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Posted by on 06/02/2012 in Uncategorized


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